I Think, I Thunk: The Great Toilet Economy

 

You know what is hilarious about Germany? Beer costs less than water, but you have to pay to pee it out! Let me tell you about our adventures with the famous €1 toilet system.

First, let's appreciate the irony: In a country that's so technologically advanced, yes, these fancy toilets accept card/google/apple wallet payments (welcome to 2025, I guess!). But that's not even the most ironic part - imagine paying €1 only to find there is no toilet paper! It's like paying for a lemon-rice and receiving lemons and uncooked rice. The betrayal is real!

Speaking of economics, let me break down the German liquid economy:

• Water: €4
• Beer: €2
• Paying to release said and other beverages: €1
• Finding no toilet paper after paying: €PRICELESS (and not in a good way!)
• The cost of holding it in too long: One UTI and your dignity

Now, let's talk about that moment when your bladder decides to send you urgent notifications. You know, the kind that makes you regret every sip of water you've had since morning. There you are, in the middle of a city, doing what I call the "pee-pee dance" - a sophisticated combination of crossing your legs, hopping from one foot to another, while frantically looking for signs that might lead to salvation.

And then you see it - the universal toilet (WC) sign! Angels sing! But wait... there's a line. A long, serpentine line of equally desperate people, all clutching their €1 coins like precious tokens of bladder freedom. You join the line, calculating if your bladder's capacity matches the waiting time. It's like a twisted game show where the prize is basic human dignity.

The mental mathematics we do while waiting is outstanding: "Should I pay €1 for this toilet?" "How long till I reach home?" "Can my bladder handle another 30 minutes?" "Is a UTI worth saving €1?" "Why didn't I pee at home?!" "Why didn't I pee at the other toilet when I saw one?" "Will the person in front PLEASE HURRY UP?!"

But here's the thing that baffles me most - the toilet buddy system. First time I did this was with my mom when she visited. There we were, mother and daughter, giggling like schoolgirls while trying to sneak through a single turnstile. My mom, who taught me valuable life lessons about honesty and integrity, was now my partner in crime for saving €1!

And then there was that time in Switzerland with my husband's friend's wife - because apparently, the Swiss decided that €1 wasn't premium enough, so they charge 1.5 francs! There's nothing quite like bonding with your friend's wife over sneaking into a toilet together. Nothing breaks the ice quite like saying, "Hey, want to split a toilet entry? It's 1.5 francs!"

But wait, let me tell you about the Dutch and their revolutionary approach to this basic human need. Amsterdam, that beautiful city of canals and coffee shops (PS - you don't coffees in here, iykyk), has something that made my Indian jugaad-loving heart skip a beat - a €5 UNLIMITED PEE PASS!

Yes, you read that right. While we're here in Germany doing complex mathematics for each bathroom break, Amsterdam's living in 3025 with their "pee-as-much-as-you-want" subscription model. It's like Netflix, but for your bladder!

And then there's France - oh, beautiful France! Where pee is free as it should be! The first time I encountered a free public toilet in France, I had trust issues. Serious trust issues. I walked around it three times looking for a hidden payment machine. My German-trained brain couldn't compute:

"What's the catch?" "Is this a trap?" "Will they charge me when I exit?" "Is this one of those social experiments?"

It's like when someone offers you something for free - you automatically assume there must be a pyramid scheme involved. That's what paying €1 for toilets does to you - it creates trust issues with free toilets!

The mental conversation goes something like: 

Me: "It's free!" 

My German Experience: "Nothing is free." 

Me: "But there's no payment machine!" 

My German Experience: "Then it must be dirty." 

Me: "But it looks clean!" 

My German Experience: "It's definitely a scam." 

France: "Just pee already!"

And you know what's even more shocking? These free French toilets actually had toilet paper! TOILET PAPER! Unlike some €1 German toilets that expect you to bring your own paper to a paid service. It's like paying for a meal and being asked to bring your own plates.

Speaking of expenses, here's a thought that hit me during tax season - can I claim all these toilet visits as a necessary living expense? I mean, I have more toilet receipts than dinner receipts at this point!

Imagine this conversation with my tax advisor: 

Me: "So... about these €1 toilet receipts..." 

Tax Advisor: "What about them?" 

Me: "They're basically a necessity, right?" 

Tax Advisor: "Are you trying to claim tax benefits for peeing?" 

Me: "Well, I didn't choose to have a bladder!" (Is this a part where I reach out to my medical insurance provider?)

I even kept all those tiny toilet receipts (when the machine decided to work). Maybe I should present them in a spreadsheet:

• January: 30 pees × €1 = €30
• February: Less pees because I discovered free toilets at the petrol station
• March: Back to €1 toilets because petrol station caught on to my scheme
• April: Invested in Amsterdam's unlimited pee pass (clearly the more financially sound decision)

The best part? Explaining this system to visiting relatives: 

Them: "You pay to pee?" 

Me: "Yes, and sometimes there's no toilet paper!" 

Them: "But why pay at all?" 

Me: "Because... Germany?" 

Them: "For ₹90 it better clean itself AND do your taxes!"

Meanwhile, in parallel universe India:

• Water: Free
• Toilet: Free
• Toilet paper: Who needs it when you have water?
• Finding a clean one: Now that's the real challenge!

Though I must admit, when these premium pee stations deliver what they promise - self-cleaning seats, touch less flush systems and literally everything, AND actual toilet paper - it almost feels worth it. It's like upgrading from economy to business class, except it's for... well, you know.

P.S. To all the newcomers planning their German bathroom budgets - yes, the toilets take cards now, but always, ALWAYS carry your own tissue paper. Consider it your €1 toilet insurance policy! And remember, when you see someone doing the pee-pee dance in the toilet line, show some solidarity - we've all been there! 😉