I Think, I Thunk: Can questions heal?


This is when the blog takes a twisty turn from being funny to serious!!

You have heard of '5 whys' at your workplace or how it is the best to find the root cause of your process issues, right? Have you ever tried that on your personal problems? Have you ever got so tuned in to solving your workplace problems that it feels like this permeates your personal life?

Screens lift and here enters the bully

I often ask myself, 'Why am I like this?', 'Why have I become this way?', 'Why am I not able to lose weight? I used to do this well before', 'Why is the world so cruel?', 'Why me?'. There are many more questions, but I can't talk about just the questions for the next 3 hours, so I kept the list succinct for the sake of establishing this conversation. You get the rest, don't you?

Now... the best thing about asking 'Why' questions is that they are easy to ask. 'Why,' you may ask? (I thought it was funny to put this, LOL). We are conditioned from our childhood to ask these questions.

My teacher asks, 'Why are you late to school?', 'Why did you not do your homework?', 'Why did you score less marks in the exams?'

My mom asks, 'Why did you not complete the contents of your lunch box?', 'Why do you have a stain on your white school uniform?', 'Why did you lose your pencil/pen?'

It always used to feel like a bully that would follow you everywhere, annoy the hell out of you, and this is where you start to learn a fear-induced harmless white lie.

  • I forgot my book at home
  • The box is empty but the contents are in a dust bin
  • I don't feel like going to school because I have a stomach ache

We are raised with all kinds of 'Why' questions from all parts of the little world that we know, including extended family and friends, so much so that we are conditioned asking our adult-selves those questions without even realizing it.

You know what is the worst thing about asking 'Why' questions? They are OH SO difficult to answer. That is 'why' (HA ha ha sorry), these are great questions for your process-related problems at work. These questions get you all worked up (more than your boss) and get you to the root cause of the problem.

Does that work with ourselves though? We are all experts in getting to the root cause, aren't we?

It just does NOT work with self, because... answered above, they are difficult to answer, and we just start to feel not enough when we ask such questions about our behaviors.

It is almost like looking at a glass half full of water and asking, 'Why is the glass half empty?' ALL THE TIME. Over a period of time, if that glass had feelings, it would feel not enough and will start having self-doubts too!

Screens drop

Screens lift and here enters the protagonists

How does it make you feel when I am asking these questions instead?

  • Why are you late to school? >>> What happened that made you late coming to school?
  • Why did you not do your homework? >> How can I help you complete your homework?
  • Why did you not complete the contents of your lunch box? >> What can I prepare that will make you complete the contents of your lunch box?
  • Why did you lose your pencil/pen? >> How can I help you/talk to someone at school to not lose a pencil/pen?

What just happened here? We replaced all 'Why' questions with 'What' and 'How' questions. They really do sound like friends whose intentions are to help me figure out a solution together, rather than put me on the defense. I also think that the 'Whys' brings in comparison to the previous state of being versus, the 'Hows' and the 'Whats' bring in a sense of curiosity. 

How wonderful would it be if we taught this in our schools and early childhood?

I would ask questions to myself like: 'How can I lose this weight?', 'What is this problem trying to teach me?', 'How can I come out of this problem?' - all of these sound focused on problem-solving rather than on the problem itself.

It is easier said than done; the 'Whys' are bullies, but we got acclimated to them. We now have Stockholm syndrome with the 'Why'. It is difficult to bring in two different mindsets for work and personal life - 8 hours you ask '5 Whys', the next 8 hours 'What' and 'How'. IT IS EXTREMELY daunting to even think about all of this, BUT one can only try!

What can I do to help you keep trying?

Screens drop

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